I’ve officially been at college for one week and this Sunday I feel absolutely awful.  I feel as if I can barely get up to walk to the restroom and have been laying around on my bed with my door shut all day.  My brain is shot.  Whenever I am extremely worn out its like I’m in a permanent brain fog.  I just can’t stand how I go from being a fun loving guy full of life and energy to a guy who can’t think of anything to say in a normal conversation.  I just want to be able to go out with friends, go to classes, and have a stress free relationship.  I just want to be that guy who is full of life all the time.  I just want to show people the side of me that’s is fun and creative all the time.  I just want to be normal.

What really stinks about this whole situation is I’ve only been here a week.  I started out strong.  I was feeling good, having a good time, managing classes well, and making a lot of good friends.  Then a few days ago around Thursday I began slowing down.  I was doing too much all the time, and my blood pressure was becoming lower hence making me more tired and handicapping my ability to think properly due to lack of blood flow to my brain.  Rather than take it easy, I went against everything I know and decided to continue going out at night and overdoing it.  I had made so many new friends I didn’t want to disappoint them.  I didn’t want them to see the side of me that’s weak.  Unfortunately, I probably did the exact opposite by pushing myself.

I’m not sure if its just me but when I have really low blood pressure I become very awkward.  I drop things, mix up words and expressions, am generally unable to carry out a conversation, and am even more emotional.  While, I had the chance to tell people I couldn’t go out at night and I needed to rest, I pushed myself instead.  Now that I think about it, would I rather have people see me as a guy that can’t do everything or that guy who is awkward and can’t string words together to save his life.

This is another big issue for me with college.  Before when I was feeling bad I would just stay home a few days in a row.  I wouldn’t be as social so people wouldn’t see me at my worst.  I really want to reclaim my life back and beat Dysautonomia, and later on in high school I really wanted to shake off the stigma that I couldn’t do anything because I was crippled.  I had some good friends that I hung out with, but my social life had definitely taken a toll since I was sick.  Now that I’m in college there is nowhere for me to go.  I can’t hide the fact that I can’t do everything.  I can’t go away for a couple days and come back acting like my old self.  People are seeing me at my weakest, and I have yet to explain everything about Dysautonomia to them so they don’t understand completely how this condition affects me.  Everyone sees me as normal due to the invisible illness factor of the disorder, and I embraced that rather than listening to my body and doing the right things to take care of myself.  I do really hope people understand when I try to explain to them my situation in detail including aspects of this disorder such as brain fog.

At the end of the day it probably is going to be impossible to have a completely normal college experience, as I can never be that guy I know I am.  I honestly disappoint myself sometimes so why shouldn’t others around me feel disappointed in me.  Why should people embrace a guy who can’t be his 100% self all the time as their peer.  It’s part of life and it’s probably a reality that I have faced and will continue to face.

Now I’m not completely down in the dumps.  I have come so far and continue to learn from Dysautonomia.  I still struggle everday to be that person I was before this all happened, and I will continue struggling.  Life is hard and full of difficulties and I will continue to do my best to persevere.

I’m going to end this on something my hall mate just said a few minutes ago as he walked into my room.  His name is Abeer and he has been here seven days from New Delhi.  He just knocked on my door and asked me what was up.  I told him I have been overdoing it and feel pretty bad.  Abeer said, “You area fool, your health is the most important thing in the world before anything else.  Get some rest and take care of yourself you fool!”

Abeer is easily the wisest guy I know.  People with Dysautonomia need to take care of themselves and look after their health first.  While you may be worried about not living up to others expectations or never being good enough as you battle with symptoms, by managing your health first you can ensure you are feeling well some of the time and make progress in your recovery.  I may never be “normal” again, but trying to be won’t get me there any faster.

-Tyler